Flashbacks

So I had a flashback today. Someone somewhere said something about talking to the baby. I sing to our little girl every day on the way to and from work. I figure she'll respond to it after she's here if she's heard it while in the womb. That's what "they say" anyway.

But with Jack, I read 2 books (Goodnight Moon and Runaway Bunny) to him every night before I went to sleep while I was in the third trimester. Haha, what a joke. I felt so naive and stupid later when I left the hospital without him while they wheeled him down to the basement in that baby buggy...to be with all the other dead people. I remember being in the wheel chair and the nurse wheeling me out the doors of the hospital to my husband's waiting car, squinting into the sun (it seemed SO bright) with my crotch stitched, my arms empty, and my breasts engorged. I was completely amazed that the world was going on as usual. I thought, "How are these people walking around out here? Don't they know what happened?" It was so surreal.

I have lots of flashbacks. Not just of me being wheeled out in the sunlight...My husband's face when it dawned on him what was happening, the nurses all scrambling to shut the door so everyone in the waiting room would not hear me wailing and it wouldn't make a scene, my mom's face when she came in after Matt told her in the waiting room, the way he jumped up in his sleep on the little bed each time I barely shifted on my hospital bed while I was in labor overnight, the way he fell back onto the couch with huge eyes and looked like he was going to pass out when it came time for me to push, the way I could hear all the people talking and all the happiness outside of my door when we spent the night on the floor with the other mommies who had just given birth but got to nurse their babies, the nurse that brought me pain pills at 3am that night in the darkness and as she held out her hands I fell apart COMPLETELY into tears and she told me it would be ok to go snuggle up in the teeny bed with my husband even though it looked like we wouldn't fit. Most of all, I rememeber my Aunt...who I never knew loved me so much...drove 6 hours immediately to see me and the way she warned me that when I left the hospital it would seem surreal how the world keeps moving. She knew the odd feeling I would have because she had it too when she learned her daughter (my cousin) had juvenile diabetes. The way so many friends from school and co workers visited me in the hospital and then my entire school brought us dinner for 2 weeks. I remember going to pick up the urn with his remains and finally feeling like he was back with me again. I remember holding the urn occasionally the first few months and rocking it in my bed. I wanted to sleep with it. I remember Matt had run home first before I got there after leaving the hospital and put everything in the baby's room...the P&P that was supposed to act like a bassinet at first by my side of the bed, the swing, the stroller, carseats. It filled the room completely. Then he shut the door. And Jack was put away.

Guess what? Last week, I was in the room trying to figure out what I wanted to do with the decor for this baby. Suddenly I heard a dog bark in a really weird manner...like it sounded like I was outside it was so loud. I squeezed and pushed past all the stuff and got to the window and pulled back the curtains. THE WINDOW WAS WIDE OPEN.

That's right....the window has been wide open since July 7th, 2007.  Maybe before that. All I know is we haven't been in there and able to even reach the window since he died. The screen was still in tact. We simply had left it open. Had it been open since we painted the room? I will never know. All I know is that his window was open for 22 months without us ever knowing it...through snow, rain, sleet, and hot temps. I felt violated. I felt sad that we hadn't noticed. I almost felt guilty like I had abandoned him.

And yes, his name is still on the wall. We have made half-hearted attempts several times to take it off, but it always feels like it's painted on and like it's going to put a hole in the wall to get it off. I think I must have put them on when the paint was still fresh. So rather than tackle it, we just close the door and walk away.

I got the bedding in for our new little girl. This is going to be so hard.