Busy...Fears...Changes

BUSY:

The past week has been so busy. Matt pulled off a huge event honoring his best friend that died in Afghanistan in 2002. My parents came to visit, we got our new furniture delivered for the formal living area, and I've been breaking in my new car.  Don't even ask about work and the massive amount of meetings on kiddos I'm having to cram in so my long term sub won't have to do them while I'm on maternity leave.

FEARS:

As far as the pregnancy goes, I had a meltdown on Wednesday this week. Somehow I decided in my head that I have an incompetent cervix due to my many past D&C's from miscarriages.

Long story short, I am a fingertip dilated, but this can be normal after having a child like I have. So I'm trying not to worry. But the only way to really know is with a transvaginal ultrasound which has not happened to me since 9 weeks. The perinatologist's nurse confirmed with me on the phone that I have never had a cervical check which is a HUGE oversight given my history.

So, I spent Wednesday crying at work because I think I could be dilating. The past 2 weeks I have played over in my mind what I will do if my water breaks out of the blue (as is what happens with an incomptent cervix) with no warning. I'll get into my car one day and think, what if when I sit down I feel a gush? Will I go to the ER or to L&D? Which hospital will I go to since I'm covered under both? Do I go to the same one I delivered Jack at so as not to "taint" the other one for if I ever get to have a baby again? Or would that be too hard and full of memories? How will I tell Matt? How will I tell mom? The other day I went to the bathroom at school and I imagined if I felt a gush and the baby fell out (again, as sometimes happens with an incompetent cervix)...would I just call the nurse on my cell even though her office is 30 feet away? Should I start carrying my cell on me from my office to the bathroom two doors down in case something like this happens? Would I have the nurse use her key to come in and help me wrap the baby in a blanket and call someone to drive me to the hospital in case I am bleeding? Where would the baby go? Straight to the morgue? Do I just swing by the funeral parlor and drop it off or take it to the hospital even though it would obviously be dead and unable to survive? I know that sounds so morbid, but honestly, that's about what it was like when Jack died...."Alrighty, we'll just run by the funeral home on the way home from work and pick up our son." That is how quickly it can just end and life is expected to keep going.

Keep in mind all these thoughts having been popping into my head at random times for several weeks...way before I found out I was dilated slightly. Normally, I am not panicked when these thoughts come; it is a very calm feeling of almost just planning what to do if I find myself there. I think it's my brain's way of making sure I know that my life will not end if my baby dies again. I think it's nature's way of making sure I'm not blindsided if it happens again like I was last time.  But Wednesday after realizing that I was dilated a tad, the calm feeling in the scenarios went out the window and I went into hysteria.

So anyway...peri's nurse calmed me down and told me it's very common to have a fingertip dilation after having a child and that the peri does not think I'm at risk because my D&C's were in the first trimester so my cervix was not forced open very far to remove the babies.  She said I should be fine waiting to have it checked at my next ultrasound at 21 weeks at the OB.  I feel better, but what a day.

CHANGE:

And on another note, Matt's regular 9-5 job is being hit by the recession.  In an effort to avoid layoffs, they are making some go part time for the next few months and asking others to do so only if they are able.  While they only asked that Matt drop one day, we have decided he can volunteer to drop 2 days and work 3 days/week temporarily.  We are doing very well and in a position to do our part to help the company out.  Plus, Matt could use a little break...he has worked himself to the bone. So we have the budget set for smaller paychecks and it's such an amazing feeling to know that this is not a big deal for us. Not too long ago we would have been thrown into panic mode, but due to our saving diligence we recently found that we could endure 2.5 years if Matt were laid off before we would be in trouble financially and he would have to get another job.  What an amazing feeling.  All that and we just bought a new car with cash to boot!  With all the other chaos we have endured the past 4 years with 6 pregnancy losses, I have found that our finances is the one area that I can control and give myself some definite security. Thank goodness something is in our control!

Speaking of control, I really like that song "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. I can relate. Especially the part that goes:

Come on now!

Who do you think you are?

HA HA HA!  Bless your soul!

You really think you're in control?

I think you're crazy!

And...some pictures to finish off this post...at the Fitness Event this weekend: